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sebastienne st. jacque


dugg

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Sebastienne...??? Dead...??? Oh, pish. This is nothing but idle talk, heresay and unabashed falderal.

First of all, you can't kill the undead. That's a proven fact. Watch a few George Romero movies, if you don't believe me.

Secondly, I have little to no doubt that this highly-questionable rumor will be resolved in the very near future and in much the same way as the death of Bobby Ewing was resolved during the 9th season of 'Dallas."

I see it happening something like this:

FADE IN. LATE AFTERNOON. SHIRLEY WHITCOMB'S LIVING ROOM

A red-wine-sedated Shirley Whitcomb is awakened from her daily post-lunch nap by a ghastly commotion emanating from her guest bathroom - the one she just remodeled.

She rises cautiously from her Levitz sleeper sofa, tippy-toes down the hallway, opens the bathroom door and what does she find...???

DRAMATIC MUSIC CUE HERE

She finds Sebastienne St. Jacque. In the shower. Nude. Lathered from head-to-toe with Woolite Complete® and belting out a bravura rendition of "My Hero" from "The Chocolate Soldier."

Shirley shrieks, collapses and is dragged back to the safety of her sleeper sofa by Denise Bonfiglio and Dale Powers.

THE END

Ok. Now, admittedly this "Sebastienne is dead" charade might not end EXACTLY as I've described above - but I bet it'll be close. VERY close. Disturbingly close.

In fact, I think we should all say a little prayer right now for Shirley Whitcomb, God rest her soul.

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death of sebastienne investigated as HOAX! :tongue:

with little sense of urgency authorities are half-heartedly looking into the mysterious dissapearance and reported death of mr. st. jacque.

wild rumors continue to circulate and include the possibility that SSJ has met with foul play at the masculine hairy knuckled hands of a maurauding band of militant drag queens most likely seeking retribution from a wig related incident.

"the unfounded reports that SSJ died from a fatal flatulence related event [due to his strict diet of beans and cabbage and his unfortunate decision to sleep in an unventilated room] are certainly nothing to sniff at",said a former St. Jacque dancer.

"my belief is that SSJ has an even more evil twin who was separated at birth who has resurfaced from genoa city [after emerging from a decade long coma] and laid claim to his natural birthright" stated his loyal soap opera obsessed assistant Hazelton Ford.

much like sebastienne's hideously overwroght flag phrases the outlandish stories go on an on and on.

we may never fully know the complete truth. :smile:

feel free to report any sightings or theories as to the future of sebastienne st.jacque. :ph34r:

Edited by dugg
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AP NEWS ALERT - [sEBASTIENNE SIGHTING - 08-01-2010] - ATTN: SOUTHEAST MICHIGAN - UPDATES GRAPHS 5 THRU 7

DETROIT (AP) - Early Sunday morning, a slew of Sebastienne St. Jacque sightings were Tweeted from Detroit's popular downtown marketplace, the Eastern Market.

Multiple Tweeters claimed that Sebastienne had spent the better part of 45 minutes stomping furiously from vendor booth to vendor booth, trying to order a Sloe Gin Rickey with two green maraschino cherries.

Sources from Eastern Market verified the sightings following a review of surveillance footage initiated at the request of the full WGI Steering Committee and the Wayne County Sheriff's Office.

The Eastern Market video shows a severely disoriented Sebastienne St. Jacque, dressed in a London Fog raincoat, dark sunglasses and a hand-beaded babushka, careening through the market and, at times, using toddlers as human shields to avoid physical confrontations with Wayne County Sheriff's officers, furious patrons and Eastern Market staff.

Unconfirmed reports also claim that Jennifer Leseth was seen at Eastern Market later the same day, dressed similarly and attempting to order six-dozen gold lamé swing flags monogrammed with the initials "SSJ".

At this time, neither authorities from WGI nor the State of Michigan are aware of a link between the two events.

Information from The New York Times News Service and Cat Fancy magazine was used in this report.

(END 08-01-2010)

Edited by Mr. Know it all
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From the psychiatric desk reference and handbook, 'SEBASTIENNE ST. JACQUE FOR DUMMIES,' third edition:

"Attempting to understand Sebastienne St. Jacque at an intellectual level is an experience not entirely unlike staring into the abyss of which Nietzsche spoke."

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we do NOT recommend staring into sebastienne's abyss. :sad:

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That's savvy advice, indeed, from the previous poster: do not, repeat, DO NOT for any reason stare either directly or askance into Sebastienne's abyss. (Or into any of Sebastienne's unsecured bodily orifices, for that matter.)

And here are some additional guidelines for interacting with Sebastienne. It is suggested that all members of the pageantry arts community familiarize themselves with these rules and regulations prior to the beginning of the 2011 winterguard season.

Again, I quote directly from the handbook, 'SEBASTIENNE ST. JACQUE FOR DUMMIES,' third edition:

Basic safety precautions for entering Sebatienenne St. Jacque's 20-foot 'Personal Hot Zone'

- Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 12 should avoid prolonged exposure to Sebastienne St. Jacque.

- Always approach with caution: Sebastienne St. Jacque may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

- Do not initiate verbal communications with Sebastienne St. Jacque while indoors.

- Immediately suspend all contact with Sebastienne St. Jacque if any of the following symptoms should occur:

* Itching

* Burning

* Vertigo

* Dizziness

* Tingling in the extremities

* Difficulty breathing

* Loss of balance or coordination

* Irritation of mucous membranes

* Slurred speech

* Headaches

* Ringing in the ears

* Temporary blindness

* Unexplained viscous secretions

* Profuse sweating

* Heart palpitations

* Speaking in tongues

* Inability to pass urine

* Electromagnetic phenomena

* Full or partial levitation

* Uncontrollable flatulence

* Hair loss

* Swelling in legs, ankles or feet

* Genital thrush

* Constipation

- If Sebastienne St. Jacque begins to smoke or emit otherwise suspcious fumes, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.

- Prolonged exposure to Sebastienne St. Jacque might cause peeling and discoloration to occur on certain types of skin.

- Sebastienne St. Jacque is known to posses an unstable liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked upon.

- Sebastienne St. Jacque has been deployed as a 'weapon of mass confusion' by our troops in Iraq and also has been dropped no less than nine times by allied warplanes on the Afghan cities of Kabul and Kandahar.

- Do not taunt Sebastienne St. Jacque.

- When not in use, Sebastienne St. Jacque should be returned to his specially designed carrying container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the WGI Steering Committee and the City of Dayton of any and all liability.

Editor's note: Applications for the Convalescence 2011 season are still being accepted via the organization's web site.

Edited by Mr. Know it all
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http://www.wix.com/convalescenceguard/convalescence

two theories persist,allegedly sebastienne is spending some court ordered "down time" at Promises or being held indefinately and against his will in an upstate government run facility! :thumbup::lle:

Edited by dugg
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FROM: FLORIDA FISH AND WILDLIFE CONSERVATION COMMISSION

TO: ALL STATE AND NATIONAL NEWS MEDIA OUTLETS

DATE: AUGUST 23, 2010

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

TALLAHASSEE (AP) - The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission announced today that it has added Sebastienne St. Jacque to the growing list of invasive, non-native species threatening the fragile ecosystem of Everglades National Park and the adjacent protected wetlands.

Recently, an amateur photo surfaced in which Sebastienne is seen swallowing a live, 14-foot, adult American alligator in the murky waters of the Western sector of the Miami-Dade County recreational reserve. Most disturbing to officials at the FFWCC, however, is a second photo in which Sebastienne clearly can be seen washing down the remnants of the gator with an entire box of expired Franzia white zinfandel wine.

Following a thorough review of this data, officials from the Florida Department of Natural Resources in conjunction with the FFWCC have authored a bill allowing for a controlled hunt of Sebastienne St. Jacque. The document will be introduced into the Florida Legislature by State Rep. Sheila Klein-Goldman-Fernández-García (D-North Miami Beach) during the 2011 general session.

If passed, the bill would establish a "Statewide Sebastienne Harvest," tentatively scheduled for late summer/early fall, when, according to local herpetologists and psychiatric experts, Sebastienne is most likely to be breeding and/or molting.

During this time of the year, Sebastienne frequently can be found breaching in shallow estuaries during lavish courtship rituals and lounging on dry land while shedding old-growth sequins, feathers and rhinestones.

Field officers with the FFWCC also suggest that Sebastienne potentially would be easier to track during this recognized 'spawning cycle' due to the extensive trails of discarded Dynel® wigs he's known to leave behind while migrating between favored breeding enclaves.

Residents who wish to report Sebastienne sightings either in Everglades National Park or in any Brazilian waxing salon in the South Florida region can contact the FFWCC directly by phone or via the agency's website.

[END - 082310 - FLTAL]

Edited by Mr. Know it all
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