Read this

[TitanSop06]

wrote this as a profile essay for Comp. thought i did a good job. let me know what you think.

Empty parking spaces set around a stadium. The air is warm, with the sun getting closer to the horizon. A few people are walking around the parking lot, checking and double checking, making sure every parking assignment is clear. A smell slowly rolls over the parking lot, a smell of hamburgers, popcorn, and anything else sold in the concession stand. In the distance there are people setting up trailers. Trailers with t-shirts, videos, wrist bands, and other memorabilia, all with a special relation to each other. Each trailer also has its own name on the side. One says Cavaliers, while another says Blue Devils. Still others say things like Santa Clara Vanguard, Bluecoats, and Phantom Regiment.

A few cars appear in the parking lot and their passengers begin to make their way to the stadium. More and more cars appear with their passengers heading to the same place as their predecessors. Now something new shows up in the parking lot. A fleet of charter busses, rigs and small box trucks. It's just one fleet at first, coming in among the cars which are becoming more and more abundant. Soon though, there will be around 12 of these fleets, all parked close together with bus engines running and rigs being emptied.

With a short hiss, the doors of the busses come open and out come people. People all dressed in the same thing. People wearing long pants with straps over their shoulders, shiny shoes on the feet and wristbands on their arms. In their hands they carry a jacket, neatly folded to keep it protected. On top of that, tucked neatly inside a hat, is a pair of gauntlets. In a span of about 10 minutes, each individual has unpacked his or her horn and found their place in line, all the time staying quiet and focused. They each give off a certain vibe. A feeling of controlled excitement and energy. This is it. This is what they have been working for all summer. This is the Drum Corps International World Championships.

With the steady clap of a hand or a "dut" from a drum major, the line makes its way to a warm-up area, with eyes always straight forward and never letting the line break. After a while, more of the lines appear, each going to its own little warm-up area. Pretty soon, the sound of woodblocks, each keeping its own separate tempo, can be heard coming from the different corners of the parking lot. And shortly after that, the warm, full sounds of horn lines playing long tones, power chords and finally sections of their shows.

As the sun gets lower and lower and the sky darker and darker, the parking lot lights come on and are finally joined by the rich bright light of the stadium lights themselves. Soon one of the lines appears again, but this time they are fully dressed. Jackets, gauntlets, hats, everything is in its place. Everything is perfect. With hats pulled down low over the eyes, always facing forward, this group looks intimidating. The line passes all the buses, all the cars, and passes by the cheering crowd in the parking lot without ever looking from side to side. The eyes are always facing forward, almost unblinking. With a short stop right outside the stadium, they continue until they disappear into a tunnel. With a wave of sound, almost like an ocean’s wave crashing onto a beach, the crowd’s applause washes over the parking lot, letting everyone know the show is about to begin.

Shortly after, another line appears. Looking just as intimidating as the first, with everything just as perfect, this group moves up and takes its position right inside the tunnel, waiting for their chance to take the field. With a loud, thunderous applause, and a final powerful chord, the first group finishes its performance. As an echo of the word “Suta” spills out of the tunnel, the next group takes field, ready to show the crowd who is the best.

[GGarrett]

^OO^

[rai-mello]

Awesome!!! ^OO^ I personally, though don't like too much fragmented/short sentences....-.-

[Phantom&Phitch]

eh.... b-/c+

i kid i kid!

[Lance]

I don't want to be too nitpicky, I just want you to get a good grade because the content and story you tell is wonderful. Definitely an A in my book. But, does your instructor take points off for fragments, out of curiosity? If so, you might want to take a look at the following examples, though there are more:

"Empty parking spaces set around a stadium."

"Trailers with t-shirts, videos, wrist bands, and other memorabilia, all with a special relation to each other."

" A fleet of charter busses, rigs and small box trucks."

"A feeling of controlled excitement and energy."

Or, if your instructor gives you absolute creative freedom, forget it. :)

[Cap Reg Mello]

i thought it was awesome i wrote a paper about my experience at Normal, Ill. 2003 maybe i'll post it to see what you think of it.

[GGarrett]

hey... B- is pretty good! Don't let that discourage you!

I was waiting for Lance or Jared-Mello to come in and see what they would say. But don't be bummed, dude. Those guys are english majors!!

[TitanSop06]

she might count off for fragments. she sees that that is my style of writing though, so i dont know. she is just more focused on comma being right. i wrote a paper about of paintball too. after 2 lines, she said i can really write.

but hey, thanks for all the great comments so far. makes me feel better knowing that others like my work and shows that im not just stuck up, thinking my stuff is good when it really isnt.

[Jared_mello]

Heh, I just saw this now and wasn't really planning on posting, since I have a bunch of work to do tonight; specifically an Italian oral exam at 9 am tomorrow that I'm very much unprepared for (making it the earliest I'll have woken up all semester), and a Broken Social Scene concert that I'm leaving to go to in a few minutes (surely not the scholarly thing to do). I figure I might as well chime in after getting a mention, though. The one difficult thing about writing papers about drum corps (I do it all the time; pretty much every time I have an application essay of any sort) is making sure that your descriptions don't get too esoteric. You did a good job of that for the most part, but stuff like the ending where you made the "suta" reference probably won't have nearly the same literary effect for the teacher as it would for you. You have to make sure not to alienate your audience while still trying to personalize the topic and bring out the uniqueness of the activity.

You're definitely a very visual writer, but make sure you also keep in mind that for non-corps members, it's probably more important to be informed about what's actually going on, than the sights and sounds of drum corps that we members appreciate and love. You don't ever really explain what is actually happening these stadiums with stands full of people, but you have over a paragraph simply dedicated to the process of getting off the bus, and several dedicated to simply walking in lines to and from warm-up. I'm not entirely sure after reading your essay what the essay is specifically about; what point you're trying to get across. It seems like it's just about the seriousness, intensity, and relative significance of this event, but you don't really explain why they take it seriously or what they're even doing, you know?

Hope that wasn't too harsh or anything, just trying to be helpful. :)

Brian will probably wind up posting too since he's also an english major.

Edited November 1, 2006 by Jared_mello

[Green2Bloooo]

I don't post on here too often, but I do like to read the forums every once in a while for posts like this.

I really like what you have going on here. I like the subject matter (naturally) - but (and I'm no english major but I loooooove writing and it comes quite naturally to me) I would love to see more description. Really, all I can do is stress what people have already said:

~remember your audience, they probably won't know anything about DCI

~be descriptive, do what you can to pull your audience into your paper

~try to lengthen the sentences some, read your paper out-loud and ask yourself "does it read well, does it flow?"

I've written quite a few papers about my drum corps experience as well, one of which was quite risky to write and I had to get permission from corps staff to turn it into my professor. BUT! My point is it is a wonderful hobby of mine and a great reflective exercise, a wonderful way to escape stress, and often I find that if you go back and reflect, you'll find things that you didn't find when it happened. I will happily share one of these papers with you if you would like, just send me a PM ^_^